ACT I.
Too Gay or Not Too Gay?
Yup, that really is the question I ask myself every time I look in the mirror. How gay do I look today? And why does that even matter?
My sexuality is a part of my identity. It makes sense then that I want to represent it in my physical appearance. But what does gay even look like?
A few years ago, looking gay to me was about wearing clothes that showed off my body. Like… really showing it off. At all types of occasions too.
The joke remains that I will show up to an event wearing a cropped t-shirt, no matter how inappropriate that would be. “Oh, it’s a funeral? Sam will probably wear a crop top.”
August 2022, I’m just starting college. My first opportunity to wear whatever I want after years of a regimented school uniform.
Naturally, I chose to wear the most exciting pieces I had in my wardrobe. Tiny, tight, cropped t-shirts. The lowest sitting jeans, so much jewellery you could hear me approaching the classroom from down the hall. At that time, that’s what made me look gay.
The outfits were ridiculous for a morning lecture, but at the time, I’d never felt more comfortable in myself. I can’t fathom now accessorising my outfit with a thong and rosary beads. My college lecturers grew to expect skimpy, highly inappropriate outfits.
When I’d finally turned 18, I was out nearly every night. You best believe the outfits only get less from there.
My 18th birthday, clad in a glittering gold skintight spandex top. It was the gayest and sexiest I’d ever felt. I think that gold top will remain an artefact in my life’s history.
I was comfortable – despite the restrictive material – and truly felt like myself. But what makes me feel myself now, like an adult man, is a complete 180.
ACT II.
This Is What Makes Me Feel Like a Man
I’ll never be the manliest. I don’t want to be. Wearing clothes that make me feel good, regardless of how gay I look, is what matters. Who doesn’t want to look at themselves in the mirror? And say… “Wow, I am so sexy.”
A top, not showing off every inch of flesh, but just tight enough that it complements my chest and my arms. Jeans that sit just right on my hips. Feeling good in myself rather than an extreme show of flamboyance.
The real style icon for me has always been Simon “Sick Boy” Williamson. Undeniably, one of the most despicable characters from Danny Boyle’s Trainspotting, but undeniably cool.
That look of seeming like you don’t care about what you’ve thrown on, it just looks good. Being effortlessly stylish. All about how you wear the clothes, not the clothes wearing you.
That’s what makes me feel like a man now. Once, it was thongs, and now just a good-fitting white t-shirt will suffice.
ACT III.
I’m Gayer Than I’ve Ever Been
As a harsh critic… My clothes are boring now. I’m not the scantily dressed gay boy I used to be. But I do dress like the kind of man my younger self probably would have fancied.
The biggest contradiction is, I’m gayer than I’ve ever been!
My boyfriend is a big, buff, hairy man. My room is elegantly decorated with male pornstars from the 1970s and 80s. And I’m absolutely not shy of discussing my sexual ventures – possibly too openly after a few drinks.
Maybe alleviating the pressure of feeling that I have to dress gay has allowed me to truly welcome my sexuality into my identity. I may have looked gayer – therefore more liberated – but was I really just turning myself into a caricature of what I thought I should look like?
ACT IV.
The Ecosystem of Gay Men
Gay men have this weird categorisation. In a few aspects. The simplest categories come from preferred sexual position. Are you a top or a bottom?
If you’re a top. You should be masculine, tall and straight-presenting.
If you’re a bottom. You should be small, feminine and very evidently… gay.
Under those categories come even more. Are you a twink? A twunk? A hunk? A jock? A bear? An otter? A daddy?
I always assumed that because my sexual preference is a bottom, I should match those stereotypes. Because I also match the physical features of a twink, I should dress like one.
I stuck by that, especially as a teenager going out to gay clubs. If I wanted a chance of getting with a guy, I had to match my stereotype. I had to stay in an easily understandable category just to feel that I was attractive.
But really. I fucking hate doing that. I’ve always hated being too easy to understand. Why should I base my entire identity on what I should look like? Who am I even pleasing?
I’m not an outsider, but I can see where I don’t fit perfectly.
I’ve had instances on a night out where I feel that guys who stick to the stereotype get picked over me. It seems that because people can’t quite categorise me, I’m too much of a hassle to bother shagging.
ACT V.
Time for Twink Revenge
Where I am now in life is twink revenge.
I don’t agree with playing into the tropes. I don’t have to be feminine purely because I’m a bottom in the bedroom. I don’t have to wear a crop top just so people know I’m gay. I don’t need to prove to anyone what my sexuality is. I can just be gay in my own way.
It’s no longer a question of being too gay or not too gay. The simple answer is that I have just gone from being an easily manipulated boy into my own man.
I’m thankful I have so much more to me than stereotypes. Why should I have to clearly mark myself?
I know what I like and that’s big… hairy… MEN!
