Looking for a free fun time in Edinburgh? Look no further than the Church of Scientology! For those that don’t know, Scientology is a religious organisation with a set of beliefs created by founder L. Ron Hubbard in 1954. It’s been described at times as a religion, a cult, a business, and a scam. In Edinburgh, their base is on South Bridge, and you can catch Scientologists outside accosting locals and tourists alike for ‘personality testing’. We paid them a visit (undercover) to gauge the veracity of their assessments and see if they could convince us to sign up to their church.
Eleanor
I don’t know what I was expecting when I walked into the scientology building in Edinburgh’s Old Town, I would be lying if I said I didn’t have some underlying thoughts of possible abduction and/or indoctrination, but I was relying on myself and my sceptical tendencies to not end up a cult member (no matter how much free tea they provide).
We walked up to the two members handing out flyers, faces laden with somewhat genuine smiles. They seemed extremely happy that Corrine and I were taking an interest in doing the personality quiz they often advertise, eager to bring us inside.
Leading us up the white spiral staircase I definitely felt as if I was in an alien environment, everything seemed pretty normal but there was a very present itching feeling that something was slightly off.
Arriving at the top of the stairs, embarrassingly a little out of breath from scaling three floors, we were led into the main reception. We were greeted by a young woman at the reception desk and asked to fill out some details, name, age address etc. She seemed a little too pleased about our ages stating, “that’s good, you’re so young!” with a disconcerting smile on her face, probably insinuating that we would be more mouldable and easily influenced (slightly concerning).
“Are you in favour of colour bar and class distinction?”
After we finished the paperwork we were led into the main area which loosely resembled a high school classroom, with Ikea chairs and tables all facing what looked like a TV trapped in a futuristic silver box, it played a continuous loop of Scientology ideologies with scenarios acted out like weird adverts, it was difficult to not be distracted by.
As we sat down, we were offered some tea, coffee or water to have during our ‘exam’, we poured ourselves some water, sat back down and were told how the test would work. 200 multiple choice questions with ‘yes’ ‘maybe and ‘no’ as the answers to fill in. The test is officially named ‘The Oxford Capacity Analysis’, a self-report test used by the Church of Scientology to assess personality traits, used to guide people in their spiritual development, highlighting personal strengths and weaknesses.
The questions ranged from pretty normal to quite unusual, it went from “Are your decisions swayed by your personal interests?’’ to “Are you in favour of colour bar and class distinction?”, a bit of a crazy jump in my opinion. After we finished the 200 questions we were told to wait for our results to be processed, at this point it was only myself, Corrine and another person sat taking the test in the window.
Corrine was taken through first, by a suited older man with white hair and beard, he seemed quite eager to discuss her results. Whilst I waited for my turn to analyse my results i scanned the room, a multitude of scientology books line a collection of shelves that span the whole room
I was taken through around 10 minutes later by a young woman also dressed quite formally, she led me into a separate room with one desk and two chairs by a window. The room was quite cold and weirdly empty. She had my results in hand, a line graph with peaks and troughs, which was initially slightly confusing to look at.
As she began asking me questions about my past to understand my results on the page, digging into possible childhood trauma I started to feel quite vulnerable and could understand why people could be persuaded to join, it felt like I was in a therapy session (obviously not by mental health professional) , I would say I had a pretty good childhood but she kept on probing asking if I was sure I wasn’t bullied, trying to find the deeper reason for my results.
After around 20 minutes of talking through the graph and answering some slightly contentious personal questions she presented ‘Self Analysis’ by Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard for me to purchase as based on my apparent self-deprecating personality type it could help ‘enlighten’ me the most, after kindly declining to buy the book she later invited me to a lecture the church was holding on communication later that week. I politely dismissed the invitation and said I would think about it…
Swiftly leaving the building I realised that nearly 2 hours had slipped away from me, it really felt as if I was stuck in a liminal space for a while. Reflecting on my experience it’s definitely something I would recommend if you’re bored on a random afternoon in Edinburgh and looking to delve deep into your psyche, it’s certainly an interesting day out.
Corrine
It is not often that I find myself nervous while wandering through Edinburgh, but as Eleanor and I walked toward the Scientology building, I could feel my hands beginning to tremble.
It was surprisingly easy to be invited into the ‘Hubbard Academy of Personal Independence’. I had spent days concocting elaborate stories of why two young girls would willingly find themselves within the puzzling walls of Scientology. My stories varied in believability; two young tourists captured by the building and drawn in by the advertising, students who were new to the city trying to find a new circle of faith, and the original plan where we arrived separately and fended for ourselves. In the end all we had to do was just pretend to slowly walk past and not one, but two members approached us immediately with flyers in hand.
As soon as we showed a little interest in the ‘Personality Test’ that the two members were describing we were ushered through the doors. The man who was showing us in was eager for us to take the test and hurriedly began climbing the flights of stairs ahead of us, I looked down at Eleanor as we followed, and a feeling of fear crept into my stomach.
Once we made it up to the reception area the woman at the desk greeted us cheerfully and gave the member who escorted us a pleased nod. She handed us both two forms that asked the usual questions, all of which I gave fake answers to – I refuse to have scientology harassing me over Facebook because I gave out my full name – but what really caught my eye was the very bottom of the form. It asked “What are you most interested in?” of which there were 16 different answers to choose from, such as “How to raise a happy family”, “Solutions to drugs” and “How to be more successful in life”. I decided to skip the question and accompanied Eleanor to one of the tables where we were instructed to fill out our “Personality Tests”.
As we sat down, we were offered to help ourselves to the various teas and coffees that were on a trolley in the corner. I made my way over to grab a couple of waters for both of us, and I must admit I wasn’t actually thirsty; I just wanted to tell everyone we drank the Scientology kool-aid.
The test was laid out in the most confusing way they could have decided, instead of having a simple ‘yes’, ‘no’, ‘maybe’, it had plus, minus and a capital M, and while I am in no sense stupid, this did confuse me multiple times.
“I am a king, you could be my queen and tomorrow we will be thieves”.
With 200 questions ahead of us, we thought it was just best to stay quiet and crack on with our answers, but this silence could also be explained by our own nerves and the eyes that were burning into the back of our skulls.
While answering the questions, it became evidently clear what the so-called ‘Personality Test’ was really deducing. There were innocent questions that could be in any person-related test, such as “Do you sleep well?” maybe, and “When you criticise – do you at the same time try to encourage?” I quickly scribbled the no (or minus) option and peeked at Eleanor’s answers to see if I was being a little bit too honest. But nestled in between these somewhat innocent questions were others that reminded me where we were, we weren’t in class doing a silly test or getting distracted while studying by a BuzzFeed quiz, we were surrounded by Scientology propaganda while being subjected to the droning of the “Scientology TV”, and instead of meeting Tom Cruise I had an elderly man to chat with at the end of it.
“Do you prefer to abide by the wishes of others rather than seek to have your own way?” I paused, should I be answering yes to seem more malleable or no because it’s the truth? Settling on the low-risk ‘maybe’ option, I continued, “Do you pay your debts and keep your promises when it is possible?” I began to picture what debts people owed this ‘Church’ and ticked ‘yes’ like the good little Scientologist I could potentially become.
Once we had finally finished answering our quizzes, I was quickly taken by an elderly man to a separate room, giving Eleanor a nervous glance as I walked away.
“Are you Mexican then?” he asked with a smile that felt a little bit too genuine.
Usually, I greet people by saying hello, but that works too.
“No, Filipino”, I replied as he sat me down, closing the door after me.
“I thought your name sounded Mexican”, he said reading my analysis sheet and looking me up and down, the name he was referring to was “Corazon”, my mother’s middle name and the only plausible last name I could think of at the time.
Pulling his chair closer to mine he began taking me through the results of my ‘test’, he told me I was practically perfect but there was a part of me I could work on (if he had stopped at perfect, then I might have considered joining). As he scribbled along the graph that showed the peaks and pits of my personality, he described everything that I ‘could become’.
He explained to me that his (separated) wife had been near a bombing in Israel that morning and that “I am a king, you could be my queen and tomorrow we will be thieves”.
What the fuck was this elderly man saying to me.
Quickly realising from my blank stare that he had gotten way off topic he explained that from my answers it showed that I am too critical of others, and that what he meant was that in marriage criticism can quickly turn into something more extreme.
“You have Filipino in your body, but your personality can reflect so much more” he told me, and I could actually feel the sales pitch coming.
Reaching for a very conveniently placed scientology self-help course he told me that for the low price of £60 I could better my personality and join a session with them less critical and more Filipino. After refusing this offer, he pulled a smaller book from his pocket and told me this could be my start.
For only £15.99!
Once again declining I stood up and thanked him, indicating I was ready to leave before he started pulling more books from God knows where.
Those two hours are something I will never get back, but I must say that if you aren’t easily persuaded and you are prepared to be proposed to by a Scientologist, taking that personality test might be most interesting summer plans you can find free in Edinburgh this year.
